Fat Girl at Heart: V-Day Don’ts – What NOT to Give Your Lady on Valentines Day

Fat Girl at Heart: V-Day Don’ts – What NOT to Give Your Lady on Valentines Day

fatgirlatheart_color 2Some gentlemen may need a little extra help when it comes to gifting their sweethearts. I’ll err on the negative side and share what not to gift and save you the pain of seeing the disappointment (or rage) in your lovely ladies eyes.

Ankle Weights: Perhaps your lady has expressed the desire to get into better shape. If you value your life and happiness at all, comments such as these should only be met with, “Baby, you look great just the way you are!” Maybe she has mentioned that she would like to start wearing ankle weights around the house for a butt-firming boost. Now is not the time to gift her with a set of these. In fact, never gift her with ankle weights. Let them be her own personal purchase for the sake of your own contentment. Stay away from exercise related gifts period. #Cankleskill

Vaccum: No household cleaning products will do. No practical gifts such as a blender or a knife set either. Dear Lord, do not get her a knife set. Your safety is an issue after gifting any lousy gift, lest of all a knife set. The only exception to this rule is the new Dyson cordless vacuum. Women love this thing. However, if you opt for this extraordinary cleaning machine make sure to note “This is a gift for us.” However if you don’t do a lick of housework, you better not draw attention to that fact on Valentine’s Day. Your lady does not want to feel like your maid, so opt for some sexy lingerie instead. If you are super lucky, she might just vacuum in her skivvies for you. But tread lightly with this possible combo gift. It could pack a one-two punch in a good or bad way. If she doesn’t like to clean house or wear lingerie, you may be in for a world of hurt and expletives. #Whatthef**kisthis!?

A Gift Card: It’s a no. We want to know that you took the time to be thoughtful even though it is a Hallmark holiday. It is one day to truly focus on celebrating our love and we want it to be meaningful. While a gift card is nice, it is way too easy. Don’t let me open up my Valentines card to a $50 Starbucks card. “But you love Starbucks!” Doesn’t matter. Ain’t no gift card gonna do it on V-day. #IknowyougotthisatthePublixcheckout

The “Homemade” Coupon Book: This antiquated pseudo thoughtful gift is a poser. While it is super sweet that you took the time to write out 15 coupons for personal indulgences and household chores such as a 30 minute backrub or doing the dishes for a week, nobody has ever redeemed a handmade coupon for any services, ever. And you know this. Just do those sweet things for us from time to time so we don’t have to hand you a piece paper and have a transaction with our loved ones. #Businessdealsdontbelonginthebedroom

Stuffed Animals: No rabbits, monkeys, lions, or pandas. No swans with an explanation of “Swans mate for life. You’re my swan.” Cute, but after this sappy exchange what am I going to do with it? Keep it out on display? I am well past the stuffed-animals-displayed-in-my-room age. Shall I snuggle it as I slumber? That’s what I have you for, my sweet swan. I will feel guilty to give it away or throw it out, so it will truly end up being the cutest dust collector that ever was. #Wasteofmoneyhoney #Stoplookingatmeswan


© Sarah Blackman 2015



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